Monday, May 11, 2015

A First I Never Wanted

Yesterday was a first for me.  But it was a first I dreaded and, naively, never wanted.  Yesterday was my first Mother's Day without my mom.

I did not anticipate how hard this would hit me.  Thinking about Mother's Day, the predominant thought running through my mind was that I didn't have a mom.  While this is a common status for women of my age group, this was my first Mother's Day without her.  

Admittedly, I probably did not handle the day in the best way possible.  I withdrew and put up an emotional wall to protect myself.  A number of my friends have already lost their mothers, but I was not inclined to listen to how they handled it.  It was just as difficult to look at social media and see the plethora of posts between daughters and mothers.  I went silent there, also.

My saving grace was my youngest son.  He went above and beyond trying to give me the best Mother's Day possible, but he still realized that I was struggling and took that condition into account. It was a true example of the wheel of life continuing to turn, whether we want to get off the ride or not.

I am sure that each year will ease this feeling.  Until then, the thought that I no longer have a mom is a pain that I must face, learn to embrace, and carry with love.


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